Thomas B. Langhorne|Evansville Courier & Press
EVANSVILLE, Ind. — Kelly Franz Mitchell knows"Gone with the Wind" will pop up on her TV one day when she's flipping throughchannels. And it will be painful.
Mitchell and the late Charla McDaniel Haley—her closestfriend sincethe very beginning of her life —used to watchthe American movie classictogether. Charla loved it so much she had a "Gone with the Wind"-themed Christmas tree. She'd swoon over Clark Gable, collect anything bearing the movie's name and revel at length in the epic romance of the story.
ButCharlalost her battle with cancer at age 54two years ago.Mitchell choked on her tears as she remembered her friend, from whom she was virtually inseparable.
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"The year before Charlapassed I bought her a bracelet, one of those Alex and Ani things," shesaid. "It had a charm that said'Believe' on it. I gave that to her for strength as she was battling, but then after she passed, her husband gave it back to me. So I wear that every Christmas."
For some people, Christmas isn'tthe most wonderful time of the year.
Far from the madness ofshopping centers and nowhere near anyone wearing a red suit,a bittersweet fraternity practices another kind of holiday spirit this time of year. Those for whom Christmas is a reminder of loss labor to mitigate their sorrows.
It can be excruciatingly difficultwhen everyone and everything around you screams good cheer.
"Whether it’s someone’s first Christmas without someone they love or they’re going through a divorce or they’ve had something else very difficult going on in their life,it almost heightens how difficult that is because everyone else is expecting you to be upbeat," saidJillAnn Knonenborg, associate pastor at Methodist Temple UMC.
Knonenborg glanced around a small sanctuaryatMethodist Temple where the church had just completed its annual Blue Christmas service for members struggling with loss. Some 20 people showed up for the Tuesday night service, several tearfully embracing each other afterward.
"This is to create space for people to realize that it’s OK to feel what they’re feeling and that God is with them in the midst of that,"she said. "I can't imagine a more important job for a pastor."
During the service, Knonenborg pounded home her theme. The important thing for sufferers, she said, is how they copewiththe suffering.
"Do we hurt others becausewe’ve been hurt? Do we push what we feel down until it boils over and we lash out at whoever happens to be in the room?" she said. "Or do we gather together with other people who are hurting and say, ‘If you will hold me up, I’ll hold you up.’ 'If you can find the strength to pray for me, I can find the strength to pray for you.'"
The message hit home for Jane Kempin, who said she has lost several family members and friends in recent years.
"It's good forme to be here," Kempin said after the service. "It's good to rub shoulders with people I know who are experiencing the same kind of things I am."
The pain of loss is still fresh for Dottie Durgy, who lost her husband of 54 years, Richard C. Durgy, just this past April.
"This has always been a happy time of year. We were married at Christmas, the day after Christmas," Dottie Durgy said. "The first child was born two days before Christmas. So it’s a mixture of emotions – happy, sad. And you never know when it’s coming."
Richard Durgy, 77, worked at Alcoa for nearly four decades before retiring. He was a lifelong member at Methodist Temple. He enjoyed painting, wood carving and gardening,his obituary said.
It is perhaps a measure of Richard Durgy's life and legacythat Tuesday night wasn't Dottie Durgy's first time at theBlue Christmas service. She and Richard used to come to comfort others, she said.
When it comes to Richard, Dottie's heart is a vast ocean.
"A servant. Very kind man. Loved his family, loved his children, grandchildren," she said when asked to describe him. "He was a helper. He was a quiet man."
Dottie lowered her voice to nearly a whisper.
"I wish he was here. I wish he was here," she said. "I know it’s OK. And he’s sitting at the great banquet table, but it’s just really hard. This service helps."
Tim Hobbs, pastor at Community Baptist Church in Henderson, Kentucky, has counseled countless grief-stricken people in 15 years at the church. Community Baptist recentlyfinished a six-week series on grief.
The holidays are especially difficult for people wrestling with thisissue, Hobbs said. His message to them is simple: You are not alone.
Hobbs pointed to the Bible, to Romans 8:25-27.
"But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently," thescripture says.
"In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirithimself intercedes for usthrough wordless groans.And he who searches our heartsknows the mind of the Spiritbecause the Spirit intercedesfor God’s people in accordance with the will of God."
This doesn't mean problems are going to disappear, Hobbs said. It's meantto be comforting, but also inspiring.
"What it does mean is that with God’s love and God’s help, we’ll be able to bear up under our problems until a better day comes," he said. "And our hope for that betterday coming hopefully will compel us to work for that better day and to do our part to make thatbetter day a reality.
"I think that’s what the hope of Christmas is all about, really."
Kelly Franz Mitchell and her friend, Charla, hada Christmas Day tradition. The two Warrick County residentswould eat at Yen Ching in Evansville, go shopping and out to the movies. Kelly still eats at Yen Ching in memory of Charla.
One day, Mitchell said, she'llwork up the strength and good cheer to watch "Gone with the Wind" again. But not now. Her feelings are still a little too raw.
"I think Madelyn (Charla's granddaughter) and her mommy and I are probably going to sit down and watch it one day and talk about 'Grams' —Madelyncalled her 'Grams,'" she said.
"That would be good."
5 ways to beat the blues
1. Start new traditionsbut don’t throw out the old ones. Keep as many as you can.
2. Accept invitationsto events and then attend them. Interacting with people can be difficultbut important.
3. Be honestto close friends and family about how you're feeling about the holidays.
4. Include a placeat the dinner table for a missing person.
5. Don't use alcoholor drugs to deal with emotional pain.
Source:American Psychological Association
