recap – The Luci Logs (2024)

“The Brighter a lady shines, the faster she may burn” – Lady Whistledown, Bridgerton

Perhaps its because of what happened on the last day of March but this past month I have been in a bit of a funk and not sure when I will get out of it. I have been utilising my usual distractions whether in the form of shows, food or people to help me improve my mentality but sitting down and reflecting over it all makes me realise I am still coping and not handling well. On the 31st March 2021 at 1:10am, the matriarch of my father’s family finally was reunited with her husband after being on this planet for 96 years.

My grandmother or Mama passed away peacefully and the final rites and farewells concluded last weekend and I was hoping it would give my head some peace but I think I’m still restless to the point I am now waking up an hour before my alarm goes off for work and even on my weekends. I have tried to infuse myself into work, social interacting with new friends on IMVU and binge watching on shows that have been sitting on my “watch list” since last year but when the brain goes silent, usually when I’m preparing for bed, that’s when I overthink.

I have been keeping my focus and concern on my dad because he is not one to show emotion or express it, he’s quite the solid block of ice and does not like to shed tears (he did at the funeral though) but he seems to have shifted to his daily routine and I’m assuming he is getting better. Because of it, now it’s just for myself to deal with my own thoughts and how do I cope with a death in the family of someone who I was close to and who helped raise my sister and I when mum was in the hospital a couple of times.

This month’s positive thoughts:

• Family:Death or joy brings family together and even though it was terrible circ*mstances, in the past 2-3 weeks, my family some of who I haven’t seen in six years have come together to celebrate Mama’s life. It’s been a lovely reunion and catch up and something I can only wish that will last and they do not disappear on us again. My eldest cousin has made it her goal for us cousins to see each other more than just birthday parties though this month has been quite the busy month for celebrations and I sincerely hope it is not a one off thing.
• Shadow and Bone:Binge watched this show over two days and I have refused to read the books considering the toxic relationships that the main character had dealt with and she still ends up with the most bland character best friend-to-lover trope ever. The author called the Netflix adaptation a “fanfiction” of her series and it gives me hope that the producers will give something more with the material that were authorised to use. Ben Barnes and Jessie Mei Li who play both the Darkling and Alina Starkov (another Yin-Yang, Dark and light couple) sizzled on-screen with their chemistry and it made newcomers to the fandom want their character relationship to last despite being on opposite ends. I know the ending of this story and its like Reylo all over again and it just makes me wish an author out there will give us an enemies to lovers happy ending.
• Easter Long weekend: Four days off here in Australia and because of no local cases in the past three months or more, our famous Sydney Royal Easter show returned this year and mum and I attended as is our usual, annual tradition. I ate so much food while there all day but that usually is the reason why mum and I go. We check out the art, the vegetable exhibits, peruse the stalls for the latest gadgets and see the animals, in particular the dogs and cats. Though, it was another year without any cats so I was sad on that. I did enjoy a garlic and cheese pizza, a cookies and cream gelato and another family tradition is bringing home pies for dinner which is run by a family that are in the dome every year.

– Lu

“Daughters of Themyscira, show him your Fear” “We have no Fear!” Queen Hippolyta and the Amazons, Zack Snyder’s Justice League

We are fifty days plus without a local case not including that local security guard in the south, he was vaccinated and we are hoping that the vaccine has done its job and has lessened the symptoms and made him not contagious. It seems that a year after this pandemic has ruined our world socially and economically, some countries like my own are slowly bouncing back. The only other question I think of is because we were all in lockdown, our green plane was thriving, now that humanity is returning to a state of normalcy, are we going to ruin Mother Earth again?

The holiday at the end of February was an amazing three nights away and I felt recharged especially after that very therapeutic spa treatment on the morning of departure. It involved crystals and since last year I have become more aware of wellness and healing of the mind. The full body massage and relaxing bath afterwards was an added bonus and helped me prepare for a return to work. We are now working four out of five days in the office and it means commuting with masks on back and forth from the city. I do not like the idea of wearing a mask for one hour in the morning and evening but this is what we have to do during a pandemic nowadays.

I also miss working from work, having to roll out of bed thirty minutes before I begin, not having to worry about changing into corporate wear, packing a bag, wearing make-up and commuting into the city. The three months working from home was glad, so I am very grateful to my manager that she is asking us to have one day to work from home. Since I am working Tuesday to Saturday shifts again, I have opted to work from home on Saturday so it technically feels like a three day weekend.

This month has been quite a social event for me and I will further elaborate as it is part of my five positive likes for this month. I have been seeing my family and old work colleagues more often with plans of seeing them after work in the future. It’s part of some of the perks that I do enjoy while working in the city- shopping, great food and still able to socialise despite having a 5:30pm finish. I have returned to IMVU more often again and only log onto 3dx to support friends who are djing or to see one particular person who has made a comeback in my life (another positive like), I also watched Zack Snyder’s Justice League last night, though it was bordering on being a 4hr movie, you can see the difference between his movie and what Joss Whedon had released to the public in 2017, what a glow up!

This month’s five positive thoughts and likes:

• 2am, Sunday Mornings: For the past two weeks since I have been working from home, I have been doing my usual relaxing after I finish my shift or sometimes go out for dinner because it is a Saturday night, it is not until the late hours around my 1:30-2:00am that my friends in the United States begin to wake up. One of those who I considered my closest had left mid January and it had devastated me of his absence, but he has started coming back and we have been catching up right before I go to bed. I am glad I am working these shifts again because for me it is a welcome to my weekend. I did not realise how much I had missed him until I saw him again, I just hope he doesn’t disappear on me again.
• Social Calendar: At the beginning of this month, my cousin on my mum’s side had turned 30th and we celebrated his birthday as a brunch/afternoon tea at his mum’s house on the Eastern shore. It was a great afternoon having to spend time with the family, I had not seen him in a year (Thank you 2020 and Covid), I was also introduced to his girlfriend. She is absolutely lovely and I sincerely hope that they last, she seems very good and stable for him. On Thursday night the 18th March, mum and I went to the Capitol theatre after I finished work and watched Frozen. I love Disney theatre, doesn’t matter which film or genre it is, there is always a sense of childhood magic on the stage. It was a wonderful experience to enjoy despite having so many small Anna’s and Elsa’s running around before and after the show. It was also an excuse for me to break out the Kitten D’amour dresses in my closet. Finally last night after work, I got to meet up with my old Reservation department from Sofitel, my old boss was also there for dinner and it was amazing to catch up with all of them. We are hoping to make it a regular occurrence, I did not realise its been a year since I left their hotel.
• Nostalgic Romance movies: Disney Plus has a new add-on called “Star” and it is definitely not Disney friendly, it includes shows and movies with it’s own category and last weekend I delved into a couple of classic romance films. I’m not sure what was going on in my brain to make me want to watch all these films but I did over the course over Sunday and Monday and I had thoroughly enjoyed them. I had watched Titanic, Moulin Rouge, Pretty Woman and Coyote Ugly. There are other movies that I haven’t watched in years that did peak my interest, so I may make this a weekend thing especially with how much rain we have been receiving this week alone.
• New Hobby: I have picked up a new hobby, I didn’t think I was talented enough to do so but I did it last weekend and I feel incredibly proud of myself. Back in high school in Yr 7 and 8, one of the subjects we had to learn was called “Design and Technology” it was a combination of sewing, woodwork and computer science. Now for as long as I can remember, I have never been great with the whole needle and thread and often had mum assisting me with my projects for this subject, however last Sunday I had a creative spark in me. I wanted to do something more than just my usual writing books, reading or creating outfits in the virtual worlds, I went to my local arts and craft store and bought a DIY sewing kit. It took three hours and had to re-work some of the pattern but I managed to create my own cat soft toy complete with stuffing and a little collar. It has boosted confidence in a skill I thought I had a loss and seemed to have improved since I was 13 years old. Mum is delighted at me picking up this hobby because she believes all women should be able to simply sew.
• Weight Loss: I am not sure what is happening with my body or perhaps it is linked to feeling better about myself with a side of stress (when I stress out, my body drops weight) but for the past two weeks or so, I have been losing even more weight. I am now sitting at the weight I was when I was 21! I also have pills that I have been taking the past three years to assist me in getting my health back under control and I’m hoping after my Doctor’s appointment next week, I will be able to come off it. But hooray to me! I am now wearing size 12-14 again.

– Lu

“I was not a pet, not a doll~ I would not, could not be broken”- A Court of Mist and Fury by Sarah J Maas

A lot has happened in the past month though I forgot to share this post in September (whoops). I have been part of the new company for the past month now and it is still going very well with our occupancy quite high this month and the weekends of November. The team though it is very small as oppose to my years in Sofitel are a close knit bunch of women who agree wholeheartedly on inter-department training. Being in the Sydney office has helped me learn more outside just Reservations.

My cortisol levels came back on the low side and I can probably return to consuming my compounded pill every day but I have to see my GP for a quick check up to ensure my blood pressure is still low. Though with recent events at the beginning of this month, I am wondering if those stress hormones went up just a smidge.

I was in a new relationship for two months so and surprising for all my online dating, the bloke lives here in Australia so our timezones lined up very well. It went on wonderfully until we realised our political views are too different and the doubt of our families ever getting along lingered there. It sadly ended and though I felt I tried to fight for us, in the end I suppose it wasn’t enough. I have shed enough hidden tears and kept this mostly to myself rather than share it with my closest because I do not want their wrath or their sympathy to come flying out. The girls can be rather protective of me despite living across the Pacific ocean.

Onto positive news, my concern regarding Covid-19 last entry has lessened and will decrease I suppose with every passing day, keeping updates on my government’s reports about how many daily cases we are getting every day and today was the eleventh day without any locally transmitted cases. All the new ones are from overseas and stuck in hotel quarantine. It gives me hope that as long as we stay in our bubble while the rest of the world unravels, we’ll be safe. We are looking to open our borders to the other states (not including Victoria, they are still not in control yet) and even New Zealand will be able to travel here in ten days.

I do miss the international travelling but it doesn’t stop my family and I from doing domestic, something I grew up on when I was a child and seem to be reliving as an adult.

Funny how the first two things in my list of positive likes are either a show or a movie;

– Lu

“Beauty fades, but wit will keep you on the invitation lists to all the most exclusive parties.”- China Rich Girlfriend by Kevin Kwan

Those positive moon vibes I had been asking for at the end of last month from everyone who read in my previous diary entry, they seem to have worked and I thank everyone who has read my blog or kept me in their thoughts the past month because I have some amazing news to share for this final month of winter.

The job that I was applying for last month and was hoping for since the middle of July, I got the call from the Director who interviewed me on August 20th in the afternoon after much persistent emailing to her (which she appreciated, I wasn’t a hassle at all). She told me I got the job! I am now working for another 5 star resort but it is more simple as its in a remote location and not in the city, my office is in the city however. I will explain more in the positive thoughts as it is one of my top five favourite things for this month.

I will be seeing my specialist next month in regards to my cortisol levels and hopefully there is a drop in that high level from last month, my anxiety has slowly been seeping away, I still get mini episodes but because I changed my lifestyle around before I got the job, it has affected me in a positive manner. I am at least trying to get 30 minutes in the sun around midday because that is the required time to absorb vitamin D, I started taking sleeping tablets (natural not pharmaceutical) to help me sleep and adapt my body to being a morning bird again. I have also been doing resistance training with bands and interval jogging on the treadmill.

It overall helped my body and lowered my resting heart rate, my only concern now is that I hope I can keep up on this lifestyle change even with working five days a week again. The good thing is that it’s a 9am-5pm shift with no more rotation. Another concern is Covid-19 is still around and though the cases have lowered in the southern state of Victoria, we got a small rising cluster in the city and it has stemmed from a club that is two buildings away from my new office. Great. It has left me slightly paranoid, I can’t afford to get it or be a carrier because it would endanger my parents indefinitely.

My five favourite things from this month;

– Lu

“For across every mountain, spread beneath the green canopy of Oakwald, carpeting the entire Plain of Theralis, the kingsflame was blooming”- Kingdom of Ash by Sarah J Maas

It is the second last day of the month and we still have one more month of Winter to go! To be honest, it hasn’t been so bad because I have been stuck at home, not working because of Covid. Things have been up and down with me lately for July, originally it started with getting all four wisdom teeth on July 6th. It wasn’t a need to but mum advised it was better to since I am not currently working and one of the wisdom teeth was starting to get a hole in it’s centre. So I got that done, today is week 4 of recovery and lot’s more has happened between then and now.

I had applied with another five star company and was going through the interview process with them, got to meet the Director at head office in the city and had a final interview through Zoom that included HR last Monday. They had told me they would let me know at the end of the week of what was going to happen, so I been waiting the past two weeks. I even sent two emails to the Director of Sales, does that seem too eager or just downright desperate? Regardless they haven’t come back to me and I been told to just let it go and if they come back to me, hurray!

Because of the world events and my own current state if mind, my dreaded panic attacks came back last Wednesday and been irritating me the past week. So much that when I got my blood tests done last Saturday, it came back that I had high cortisol levels in my body. Now I was always known to be the most relaxed person in my family however I have had episodes of anxiety especially when I’m not working and sedentary. Last time I had them I was in my 20s, recovering from my first break-up and not doing much with my life after I stopped studying in college.

I been trying to figure out the triggers for the sudden comeback of these influx of attacks and the only answer I can come up with is anxiously waiting on the news if I got this new job and the resurgence of Covid cases because of the lack of awareness and plain stupidity of the people who are living in Victoria right now. Every day, they seem to be getting more cases and of course they are trickling into my state because we have not completely shut our borders. Queensland was smart to close theirs off to us, I just wish we could do too. But it means if we ever went into another lockdown, it means no one is working again.

It is with thoughts like these that it is amazing my mindset has still managed to put together five positive thoughts of this month, I do have them and I’m still forever thankful to my family and friends for keeping an eye on me or giving advice especially in the past week. Hoping for positive moon vibes for myself for the rest of this year, though I do believe we all need it right now.

My five favourite things from this month;

– Lu

“Persephone is both floral maiden and Queen of Death. You too, can be both”- Tumblr, SoftSpokenSpells

I did explain in my previous gif entry that I would explain of what has been happening with me in reality. Since it has been yet another month since my diary entry, it is perfect timing to re-collect my thoughts and think over what has been happening lately. Our country is still in social distancing and lockdown and though since last Friday, our state government has agreed to slowly ease restrictions, we still have no vaccine for Covid-19 and I am still stuck at home surviving on Jobkeeper benefits.

Also to recap of what had happened with my health, last Wednesday I had abdominal pain since the morning. I thought it was related to my arriving monthlies and just ignored it. It wasn’t until the pain still stayed right until the evening and I did not sleep well at all that night. The following morning, I was having hot and cold flushes and feeling incredibly lethargic. I was going to drive to the doctors on my own, glad my parents said no and mum came with. My temperature was incredibly high and the pain was concluded to be my appendix. Mum had taken me straight to the hospital and into emergency.

A couple of blood tests and a CT scan later, the emergency doctor had confirmed it was my appendix and I had to be operated soon. Now for all my readers, I have never had surgery in my life before and the last time I was in hospital was when I was born. Not bad for a girl who is 32 and her first operation ever is getting her appendix removed. I was in the hospital for two days and I cannot be more grateful to my mum, dad and younger sister for visiting me even with the Corona virus restrictions placed even on the hospital itself. I even had a couple of favourite nurses, all of them Filipino of course. I felt a sense of family from them and they looked after me well.

Today is day 10 post operation and the surgeon who had operated on me wants me to see end of next week, hopefully it means the bandages can be taken off. It was key hole surgery with three laser cuts and though I slept poorly in hospital, when I got home, I definitely slept better in my own bed and surprisingly did not need to take any pain killers. Because of this procedure and self isolating, I was slowly losing weight again but with the operation, I am now sitting again at the weight I was in 2018.

Here is hoping that it can stay off right until I return to work. But who knows when I will be able to return to work, with the hospitality industry we rely on guests and visitors from inter-state and overseas. The hotel I was going to start at is near the airports, so until they are open and planes are in the air again, I will be stuck at home.

My five favourite things from this month;

– Lu

“Happiness isn’t something you put inside, it’s already there. Sometimes you just need someone to help you find it.” – Poppy; Trolls

Soo I am very late in writing up a diary entry, as in the last time I posted about my life or vented my thoughts was on December 23rd 2019. Normally I have a post on New Year’s eve with my resolutions for the new year to come but I had realised that I did not need to do a post to remind myself to keep staying on target of that list, rather motivate myself every day upon waking up. 2020 has been up and down, it’s interesting how reality turns out to become my escape when fandom discourse on social media makes me want to stay away.

I have been a Reylo (someone who enjoys the couple known as Rey and Kylo Ren/Ben Solo) since 2016 and it has always been seen as a crack ship and never going to happen. When The Last Jedi was released, director Rian Johnson opened up the possibility that yes these two force users could become something. But for more than five years, shippers of our community have been targeted, threatened and bullied off social media. We already know that online platforms are good for bringing awareness, supporting each other and sharing your creative minds but it is also very toxic especially on Twitter.

Reylo fans received it more prominently even after our ship became canon in the last movie, though it was a bittersweet ending and many of us still believe Ben is alive, we did not expect to receive jeers from one of the Star Wars actors. It wasn’t even about the shipping wars so to speak, it was his comment that he tried to make it sound like a joke when really it was a hot take of typical misogyny. Nevertheless, my community that I have grown to love and be a part of had continued to grow past the trolls and negative attitudes. Since the release of the final film, we have had an increase of fanart, fiction, music videos, meta theories and ideas of where to go on from here, I am forever thankful to have so many lovely ladies and gentlemen (yes there are male Reylos out there).

More so this past week when I was working the early shifts, I have been returning home and been in a lonely slump. My best friends have been busy in reality and because we are all different timezones its been difficult for me. I am glad for my imagination and my fandoms (outside Star Wars) that have kept me going otherwise I’m not sure where I would be. I am also grateful that someone who I stopped talking to had reached out since Christmas last year and is now back in my life.

Without him, I think I would not have been able to continue, he managed to spark my positivity and just listened to what I had to say. I only wish I could say the same for another close friend of mine who I have been writing stories with, he has been so busy and stressful in reality, I feel like telling him my moods is too much. He already has enough on his plate to handle and he is trying to cope with his reality in his own way.

We had a new Reservation agent also join our department this week, full time and it means our team is officially complete. We haven’t been a complete team since June last year and with the ups and downs and my own work load being recorded and checked upon, I just hope the dilemnas and concerns are a thing of the past. Once the new agent is up to speed, we can continue moving onward, though it hasn’t been too bad this month. Even though it sucks that we are quiet, we are managing to catch up on a lot of the workload from the busy period last year.

My five favourite things from this month;

– Lu